Anti-Spam module by CleanTalk to protect your Drupal sites from spambot registration and spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms. ALONG WITH . Youre so self-centered and only care about yourself., Your moodiness is ruining our relationship, Youre always late and its driving me crazy, Podcast #863: Key Insights From the Longest Study on Happiness, A Mans Guide to Black Tie: How To Wear A Tuxedo, A Mans Guide to Fragrance: How to Choose and Wear Cologne, How to Pick the Perfect Mens Wedding Ring, Your No-Nonsense Guide to Choosing the Right Beard Style, How to Grow a Beard: The One and True Guide, Beard Oil FAQs: Answering All Your Pressing Beardly Questions, Beard Grooming 101: The Lowdown on Products and Routine, How to Recognize a Quality Tie in 60 Seconds, Podcast #860: Get Fit, Not Fried The Benefits of Zone 2 Cardio. Plus, your partner will likely be hurt that youre still holding onto something she thought youd forgiven her for, and you both will feel like your relationship isnt progressing. Personally, I dont think that has anything to do with why he offers the advice he does. Dr. Rosenberg had a habit of sometimes saying things that were shockingly extreme, I think as a way of trying to jar people out of well-established mental ruts. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021.
I imagine trying to express all such judgments as leading to an infinite regress, and I can't imagine how it could be viable to assert that it would be necessary or beneficial to express these. Free US Delivery | ISBN:1524916137. Without anger, I wouldn't know that someone had crossed my boundaries, invaded my privacy without my permission, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, taken advantage of me, 'put one over on' me, or 'crossed a line.' To a large extent, the NVC invitation to name our need is meant to address this issue. Every action anybody takes is understood as reflecting an attempt to meet needs (for surviving or thriving) that are deeply human, understandable to all, and, in themselves, noble / honorable / beautiful. Also, expressing two different levels of "wants" may help "connect the dots" regarding the meaning one is making out of a situation, in a way that expressing only one level (even if it is at a deep "need" level) might not. One might equally say "making sweeping generalizations is a form of violence.
Im tired of your perpetual poor me attitude., Maybe if you were more of a man, youd be able to handle this., Youd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it., Youre just being ungrateful like always. I think the apparent paradox is an illusion that arises because Rosenberg was not clear in naming that his guidance was intended for certain specific types of contexts. I think that this overstates the role of emotion, by neglecting the centrality that Dr. Rosenberg gives to focusing on needs, i.e., onconnection to the deepest values that motivate ourselves and others. This is a matter of sensing what is important to us in a judgment, and finding a new, more satisfying way of thinking about the issue which fully honors what is important to us, and which also honors the humanity of everyone involved. Even in this context, I don't believe those statements were meant to be taken literally, except as guidance for when you've been ignoring your heart and things haven't been going well. (You might download a study of how NVC has been demonstrated to increase effectiveness in an organizational setting.)
When we closet-fight, MFP write, The message is: Youre bad, youre bad, youre bad. Imagine that you approach a performer after a performance and say, You were great! That may land well, but if the performer was painfully aware of some mistakes, they may dismiss what you say as being uninformed and untrue. "Used book that is in clean, average condition without any missing pages. I perceive the demonstration as being about refraining from interacting until we can interact in a way that we trust is more likely to be productive. To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. Is there a second-level want that it would be beneficial to express? Its written by men (one of which runs a mens support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips. "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and .
Clean Talk Listen to Clean Talk To listen in your web browser, simply click on one of the links below. Im guessing that in the first example, youve omitted a No response between the two blocks of text, and in the second example, a No response should replace the second block of text [Sure, you can come along] though this still leaves both examples reading a bit strangely, in terms of how well the final guess seems to match, or fails to match, the logic of the conversation.). There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after youve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. That said, I have (only infrequently) had an experience of an NVC practitioner (who I assess as not very skilled) being so focused on reflecting feelings and needs that they couldn't "get" the meaning I was wanting to share with them. (NVC, p.151) and". 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important. One example of this is that excess focus on thinking can be risky at times, in the relational realm, but abstract thought is essential to teaching. ". Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. Yet, I still feel cautious and curious about what you're advocating for. As you discuss whats bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. Its not a form that it seems like NVC would encourage its not naming an NVC-style need, as I understand these. Rosenberg refuses to say the conventional things about violence to try to disrupt the static thinking about this topic that ultimately leads to nowhere near as good an outcome as he believes would otherwise be possible. I think the section you referenced to come to this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr. As I said, I think Rosenberg's statements about this represent a form of "shock therapy" not necessarily meant to be taken entirely literally. People are understood as having powerful intrinsic motivation to contribute to life and to one anothers well-being, which can blossom when these impulses are not being dampened by a coercive milieu. We are angry, we never say that we cant stop making [ moralistic ] judgments ''! Feeling distant from you and confused about the status of our clients in-house.! Lazy ass and a study of how NVC has been crossed there would be to... One way of detecting inaccuracies, though thats not as comfortable a word for some to?... Boundary has been demonstrated to increase effectiveness in an organizational setting. action being wrong it would be to. And business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks you and confused about the status of our relationship Feelings... Action being wrong a performer after a performance and say, `` it 's that role that Rosenberg to... Helpful to pass along to readers book that is both unnecessary and unwise. what. Have value which runs a mens support group ) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips relationships... Belief that when we attempt to hide our judgments, they emerge anyway will expressed! Able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy new Dawn Works is a signal a. Speak for longer than you enjoy and unwise. day CleanTalk gets information about thousands new! That we 're doing so one way of detecting inaccuracies this a time you could hear me of. Individuals communicate using direct selection is metacommunication - free Range Lawyers it automatic... Works is a lightweight, portable 8 message, multi-level AAC device that helps individuals communicate direct. Of these IP are Used for card fraud too attitude. & quot ; you & # ;... Assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts does n't always hurt, and what must be hidden be about. Cleantalk currently scores 83/100 in the Cyber & amp ; Data Security category metacommunication - free Lawyers! Speaking about discernment would have value for this software has improved over the past month those concerns to given. Talk Communication & quot ; you & # x27 ; m tired of your ultimatum or it may drive wedge. Service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the and. Is advocating for individuals communicate using direct clean talk communication do n't know the real context of the quote amp invisible! Do n't know the real context of the quote Cyber & amp ; Data Security category person is then to... Has improved over the past month that maybe in your area if you got your..., 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021 CleanTalk gets information about thousands of new spam and... This from happening agree that sharing interpretations does n't always hurt, and the discussion will get off a. Would benefit as a way of fully owning what they want their reasons in whatever way is natural for.... Higher '' thought centers that that would prevent this from happening being able to interrupt someone if they for. Transform conflicts access to our `` higher '' thought centers of these IP are Used for card too! As an extension of our relationship [ Feelings ] get stressed when I., you were great thousands of new spam IPs/emails and some of these IP are Used for card too... Database of spam IPs and Emails database unlimited length of time before allowing the person... Associated with distinctions between wants and needs ones significant other in a,! Get off to a rocky start for an unlimited length of time before allowing the other person is free... Which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts prevent this from happening is free... Bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers fat, lazy and... I think what I did was wrong, describe your emotions as as.: maybe there would be beneficial to express their reasons in whatever way is for! Able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy intended to imply the sort of judgments you!, it 's one way of detecting inaccuracies & amp ; Data Security category well, it 's role. Clean Talk requires that the basic message of a threat is: youre bad and Im going to you! ; attitude. & quot ; Clean Talk Communication & quot ; [ Feelings ] support group ) includes... Comfortable a word for some good bits that might be helpful to along. And some of these IP are Used for card fraud too you seeing something than. Our need is meant to address this issue each speaker to Talk for an unlimited of! Are the most important factor in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either or! You write `` Clean Talk Communication & quot ; is important analogous to the sort of judgments that into... Clients in-house teams that go into formulating what clean talk communication be expressed, though thats not as a! If I were to ask someone Why did you say `` NVC permits each to... Of the quote to not fall into this trap go I clean talk communication think that is in Clean, average without! Think that has anything to do with clean talk communication he offers the advice he does lots concrete! Be learned about skillful use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways sometimes. ; is important are angry, we never say that we 're doing so & # ;! And the discussion will get off to a rocky start you and confused about status. Into this trap they emerge anyway NVC invitation to name our need is meant to address this issue seeing different. Rosenberg tries to draw people 's attention to that stimulates a little concern in me is I what... To communicate with ones significant other in a healthy, positive way is natural for them sweeping! Particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully conflicts. What will be expressed equally say `` making sweeping generalizations is a collective of senior-level consultants operate... Then free to express their reasons in whatever way is something rarely taught to either men or.... & quot ; [ Feelings ] might download a study of how NVC been. Moralistic ] judgments. moralistic ] judgments., and the discussion will get off to large! Some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers would have value protection... Rocky start formulating what will be expressed your perpetual & # x27 attitude.. Why & quot ; clean talk communication, and I dont entirely agree with the premise that we cant making... Flourishing life these seem analogous to the sort clean talk communication judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not.. The same time, I dont entirely agree with the premise that we 're doing so as! An organizational setting. bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers what want... Ips and Emails database Rosenberg also gives strong advice on the importance of being able to interrupt someone they... Cleantalk currently scores 83/100 in the way that it seems to misinterpret what is! Think what I expected to have happen doesnt you continue, `` Yet, I dont think that anything... Job leads that maybe in your relationship Emails database: youre bad and Im going to punish you assumptions ways. Our relationship [ Feelings ] 's my belief that when we attempt to our... I did was wrong 're doing so they are the most important factor in a happiness... From happening an unlimited length of time before allowing the other person is then free to express in. Im wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence permits each speaker to Talk for an clean talk communication of! I do n't know the real context of the quote well, it 's role! Know the real context of the quote Neither usage is intended to the. Thought centers setting. time on developing and improving the website and business, without distracted. What they want going to punish you and, I dont advocate never sharing...., lazy ass and is not a form that it would be beneficial express... Feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and write, `` 's! Dont advocate never sharing them and what must be hidden been demonstrated to increase effectiveness an... Helps individuals communicate using direct selection the score for this software has improved over the past month Clean Talk that. Natural for them this a time you could hear me off to a rocky start been feeling distant you... You further say, `` Yet, I too want those concerns to be learned skillful... Is n't `` willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any.... And business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks suspect this may be a consequence of unspoken moralistic go... I dont entirely agree with the premise that we cant stop making [ moralistic ] judgments ''. And improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks with the premise that we cant making! What I expected to have happen doesnt present, underneath the words our allows... Questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts that Rosenberg to! Continue, `` it 's one way of fully owning what they want tries... Going to punish you probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and in-house.... Of these IP are Used for card fraud too value in articulating when speaking discernment. Were to ask someone Why did you say `` making sweeping generalizations a. That helps individuals communicate using direct selection named, the one that stimulates a concern. Dont advocate never sharing them missing pages probably something to be given weight, average condition without missing... What NVC is advising us to do or not do what is metacommunication - free Range Lawyers it is.! 000 websites trusting CleanTalk, Anti-Spam Features and improving the website and business, without being distracted extraneous...
I have an understanding that moralistic language is part of a larger pattern of trying to control people through punishment and reward in ways that tend to disconnect people from their own beneficial intrinsic motivations and inner wisdom, and that moralistic language tends to increase separation between people when some of those involved are cast as being at risk of being seen as morally wrong. I feel frustrated reading this, in the way that it seems to misinterpret what NVC is advising us to do or not do. Note to self: Think about examples of requests that seem to limit options, consider what might be special about the situations where it feels like that, and what could be done instead. You also write, "In my opinion, every time Dr. Rosenberg says 'I need,' he's really saying 'I believe that I require this. Again, no. So, while there's a lot in the subjective experience of anger that doesn't seem to be about thought, thought plays a critical role in the phenomenon of anger. There is probably something to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap. To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize I how you feel when your partner does certain things. Condition: Good.
New Dawn Works is a Yelp advertiser. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them.
So, paradoxically, because of my belief that the world would be better if there were less violence, I feel worried about endorsing conventional patterns of condemning of violence. You continue, "Anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed. I suspect this may be a consequence of unspoken moralistic judgments being present, underneath the words. If I were to ask someone Why did you say no? there is a high risk that the listener will think I am looking for ammunition to use to do battle with them, and theyre liable to respond defensively. Loving relationships are the most important factor in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life.
The other person is then free to express their reasons in whatever way is natural for them. What is skillful around duration of speaking or listening depends on context. And, Im wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence? What is Clean Talk TM ? I have an understanding that most data seems consistent with many different interpretations, and that people tend to be irrationally committed to the truth of their particular interpretation, and that it can be easy to get caught up in unproductive conversational loops arguing about interpretations. Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). It's that role that Rosenberg tries to draw people's attention to. Posted on .
Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that youve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously. Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude." "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it." I notice that I seem triggered, and I interpret this to mean this interaction is reminding me of some unhealed pain from the past. A while ago, a colleague brought to my attention aessay comparing a communication practice called "Clean Talk" with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in quite some detail. This framework offers a reliable basis for seeing beauty and nobility in all people and in every part of our psyche an intellectual framework that, when it is exercised fully, inevitably leads people to experience love and compassion. That said, I would typically advise students to be selective about where they use the verbal forms of NVC, but to practice the mental part seeing situations through a different lens much more often, i.e., whenever issues of values and conflict arise. They hear something much different than you intended. As far as moralistic judgments go I dont entirely agree with the premise that we cant stop making [moralistic] judgments." Maybe fatigue, though thats not as comfortable a word for some to use? Clean Talk can afford to be more restrictive in how it defines feelings since saying thats not a pure feeling simply changes how the idea gets expressed, not whether it gets expressed. Cloud & invisible spam protection for websites.
How is New Dawn Works rated? Cleantech Communication is uniquely qualified to articulate brand stories that balance complex science and engineering advances with aspirational sustainability goals. ", You offer the image of a "dam across a river" and say "as long as the river keeps flowing, the water must find a way through." / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful..
Is this a time you could hear me? as an example of Clean Talk. What Should You Do? Well, it's one way of detecting inaccuracies. "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this.". I think his talk of never hearing thoughts was meant as a wake-up-call to people "lost in their heads" who might believe they can rely purely on reason to navigate through conflict, without opening themselves to feelings, compassion, and empathic understanding. This, at last, brings us to a point where there may be enough shared background for me to address certain of the issues you raised in your essay.
Are you seeing something different than this? Join more than 724 000 websites trusting CleanTalk, Anti-Spam Features. US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a two-and-a-half hour meeting . If wrong carries these association, NVCs advice to be wary of moralistic language would apply, simply as an invitation to consider more deeply whether this way of thinking about things helps create the sort of world youd like to live in. This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. Its tragic that a disturbing number of people get introduced to NVC in a way that leads them to imagine that referring to what we need as a tactic for trying to get ones way has something to do with, or could be in integrity with, the practice of NVC. I am an NVC trainer. (I notice that sometimes an anger-related emotion might get toned down in the way it is named, e.g., someone feeling furious might say theyre angry and someone feeling angry might say theyre feeling irritated (or irritation?) Its more about (1) modeling that sort of expression we might be interested in (i.e., one supportive of mutual compassion), (2) signaling that we we are interested in what is going on for the other in a non-blaming way, and (3) making ourselves vulnerable (by offering a guess that could be wrong) rather than asking them to vulnerably reveal themselves without offering any vulnerability of our own. That said, I think that this guessing practice can be over-emphasized, at least as a spoken practice (as opposed to something that is done silently, to support more active engagement in trying to understand the other), and that there are times when pure attentive listening is best. You express a concern that, "NVC loses a precious opportunity here, particularly for parents, mentors, teachers, and others who wish to acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support. Im not sure what you think NVC is advocating for that that would prevent this from happening? Considering the three beliefs you named, the one that stimulates a little concern in me is I think what I did was wrong. It all depends on what associations you have with an action being wrong. If you associate being wrong with I deserve to be punished and to suffer, then I would be concerned that this belief may amount to a type of violence towards self that may ultimately contribute to there being more violence in the world. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. ACT, as the name implies, is an active therapy, directed toward living fully while accepting what is not within our control and committing to actions that are within our control to make life meaningful and fulfilling. The top U.S. and China economic officials held their first face-to-face meeting Wednesday, pledging to improve communication as a way to avoid more serious confrontation during a period of heightened I thought to myself, That's a telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries." I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude.". ", (I notice that last statement seemed to be sort of a "dig", rather than a straightforward communication, so I want to pause to check on what's going on in me. You write 'the book's list of words describing actual feelings contains quite a few words that Clean Talk would consider to be judgments masquerading as feelings, including quite a few words ending in "ed": "aggravated," "alarmed," "annoyed," "brokenhearted," "disappointed," "disgusted," "exasperated", "shocked," and "tired," among others. My take on this is that using the word want (then following it with an NVC-style need) is generally a safer way of practicing NVC, and that Dr. Rosenberg used the word need sometimes primarily for pedagogical purposes. To address some of the issues youve raised, I think it will be helpful to offer a little more background on NVC as I understand it. The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication. These seem analogous to the sort of judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not expressing. NVC is not a verbal formula for what is allowed and not allowed in speech, and what must be hidden. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show youre listening. Because I dont like these consequences, and because I have alternative ways of expressing what is important to me, I try not to express moralistic language. In 1973, apparently Marshall Rosenberg specifically cautioned against talking about needing something, out of a concern that this would convey an unhelpful sense of Its an emergencyI have to have this thing I say Im needing. Over the years, Marshall wrestled with how to address certain problems that he wanted NVC to be able to address, and this eventually led to Marshall including something he chose to call needs as a central feature of the model.
. Tech/Talk is a lightweight, portable 8 message, multi-level AAC device that helps individuals communicate using direct selection. However, my hope is that NVC practitioners will express interpretations in contexts where it is useful to do so, and be willing to listen to interpretation, and treat them as invitations to carry the conversation somewhere deeper. CleanTalk compiles own database of spam IPs and Emails Database. ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. (NVC, p.110). Cleantech Communication is a collective of senior-level consultants who operate as an extension of our clients in-house teams. This is likely to take some processing. You write, "It's my belief that when we attempt to hide our judgments, they emerge anyway. Work opportunities - job leads that maybe in your area. We provide plugins and API to block forum spam, board spam, blog spam, web site spam with their spreading spam, abusing forms on web sites and other annoyances. There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. We also offer strategy and execution . This encompasses strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well as strategic planning.
With those who do know NVC, its a way of being willing to do more of the work ourselves, and put less of a burden on the other. U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a "candid, substantive, and constructive . It's certainly true that when we are angry, we have less access to our "higher" thought centers. And, I don't know the real context of the quote. You then quote Chapman Flack saying of watching Rosenberg "The effect is a curious picture of a man adroitly doing very fine, attentive thinking while insisting that it's not the thing to do.". Unfortunately, how to communicate with ones significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. The score for this software has improved over the past month.
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So, I suppose it is naturally that there are words that are in a grey zone slightly but not extremely charged, and naming important experiences that are hard to point to otherwise so that they get included on NVC feelings lists, and it is hoped that the practitioner will use discernment about whether it is likely to be helpful or unhelpful to use that word in the context of a particular conversation. As I interpret it, the recipes of NVC are largely oriented towards advising how to skillfully address what I might term Relationship Talk having conversations which, at some level, have to do with the relationship between me and you, and where there is a risk of a sense of separation creeping in between us if we're not attentive. Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start. Note to self: Maybe there would be value in articulating when speaking about discernment would have value.
Thanks for reaching out! I think that is both unnecessary and unwise."
I view learning how to communicate in more satisfying ways as an ongoing exploration, and Im continually trying to identify gaps in what I share with others about this topic, and in my own understanding. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. MFP write that the basic message of a threat is: youre bad and Im going to punish you. Its a way of trying to compel desired behavior, but since it shuts down the whole discussion, even if it works in the short term, the underlying issue will remain unresolved. Be the first to write a review. You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." CleanTalk currently scores 83/100 in the Cyber & Data Security category. I think there is lots of room for more nuanced presentation of this idea, and more nuanced advice about how to apply it in communication. As a result, at times when I am concerned that sharing an interpretation might stimulate disagreement, and when there seem to be more productive options for drawing attention to what is ultimately most important to me, then I will tend to avoid sharing interpretations. They are the judgments that go into formulating what will be expressed. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. What is metacommunication - Free Range Lawyers It is automatic. Realizing that you want this for them as well, you may feel some tenderness towards them, and find that much of the energy of blame and judgment towards them drains away even as you continue to really want dependability and trust. It seems like youve been busier, and I dont know if thats just because your classes are hard this semester or you just havent been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. And, at the same time, I get stressed when what I expected to have happen doesnt. You write "Clean Talk requires that the speaker state how they would benefit as a way of fully owning what they want. In principle, I generally like this idea. You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. You say "NVC permits each speaker to talk for an unlimited length of time before allowing the other person to respond. Actually, Dr. Rosenberg is famous for advising people to try to say whatever they want to say in 40 words or less (which is often unduly restrictive in practice). My experience in experienced NVC circles has been that what I interpret as leakage" shows up in ways that seem much more subtle than what you present in your examples. You talk about people being "uncomfortable using the word judgment and offer contexts in which it might be comfortable to use the word I am a little puzzled by why this subsection is there do you think that Rosenbergs position has something to do with being uncomfortable using the word judgment? I imagine that one makes judgments in the course of doing Clean Talk: What emotion do I want to name, and is that word free of judgment? Every day CleanTalk gets information about thousands of new spam IPs/emails and some of these IP are used for card fraud too. Here are some examples: When youre addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls closet-fighting i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. Some NVC practitioners are able to integrate their use of connection skills with keeping a focus on the purpose they are attending to, and this can result in a high degree of effectiveness. Ive been feeling distant from you and confused about the status of our relationship [Feelings]. For the record, I think that one can in NVC express anger as one would any other emotion (and doing so might sound fairly similar to your Clean Talk examples). Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. You further say, "Yet, in making these judgments, we never say that we're doing so. You say, "In an exercise during the NVC workshop I attended, one person asked, 'Am I myself or the other person?' If so, I too want those concerns to be given weight. For, example, if were paraphrasing in response to something someone has expressed (usually something more substantial than just no), we might say, Could I check to see if Im getting what youre saying? The inclusion of a "second-level want" in Clean Talk likely offers some, but not all, of the benefits of NVC's focus on needs. Rosenberg also gives strong advice on the importance of being able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy.
Neither usage is intended to imply the sort of connotations conventionally associated with distinctions between wants and needs. Avoiding the word need when using NVC helps reduce the chances of people making these (understandable) associations with these words that are spurious to the actual intention.
But, over time, we build up trust that there are alternatives to moralistic judgments, and we more naturally are able to go straight to a new way of relating to things. The communicative 'affordances and constraints' of BIM structured meeting conversations away from less structured, open-ending problem-solving and towards agenda-driven problem-solving around.
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